


because you want to die for love, you always have

by choppersupportsgirls (earlieststar)



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lowercase, Minor Monkey D. Luffy/Sanji, Sanji Is Not A Vinsmoke, Self-Mutilation thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts, but like. if you Squint, in this case bell-mére and norland, it's all just very sad, not Really but i'm covering my bases here, sanji has some pretty deep issues and it can be triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27266638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlieststar/pseuds/choppersupportsgirls
Summary: a part of sanji dies here, in the middle of this wretched island on a hostile sea, and he’s rejecting his family (the real one, the one thatmatters).
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Vinsmoke Sanji, Nami & Vinsmoke Sanji
Comments: 1
Kudos: 50





	because you want to die for love, you always have

**Author's Note:**

> apparently when i have nothing else to do i default to Hurting Sanji, but this time with no comfort in sight. like, eventually we know things get better, but in this fic they only get worse :)  
> also i Still haven't watched whole cake island but this is in smack middle of it. if it reads a bit weird on regards to canon compliance it's because i legitimately have only watched snippets of this arc-  
> title is from my actual favorite poem in 'crush' by richard siken, because i am predictable and basic  
> this is not beta-ed, but i take no responsibility for any mess
> 
> cw: if you're unsure about what can be triggering in this fic for you, feel free to reach out so i can clarify things and you can decide, informedly, whether to proceed. please take care of yourselves <3

he catches a glimpse of nami’s eyes as he’s saying all those awful, terrible things about his crewmates, his  _ family _ . he’s denying himself, but the worst crime is that he’s denying them all, and then there’s nami’s face right there, colored by disbelief and despair and a kind of resolution that sanji has admired in her since arlong park. she, more than any of the strawhats, can understand him and why he’s doing this - she’s made the same choice of self-sacrifice before, she gave away her years for people she loved, she knows what it’s like to choose this kind of path and she has scars covered in ink to prove that.

sanji also knows that this is exactly why she will never forgive him. nami had made that choice once, and she knows better, but sanji has always been a fool in matters like these.

he yells at them, tries not to look at their faces too much because he knows he’s going to remember this moment for the rest of his life. but in his head, nojiko’s voice echoes, talking about  _ bell-mére,  _ who chose death over denying her family. nami’s mother, who wanted her last breath to mean something, to give her daughters words that they could carry and feel her love by. in arlong park, nami chose them, too, like bell-mére had done eight years before, also in the chance of dying, for all they knew. a part of sanji dies here, in the middle of this wretched island on a hostile sea, and he’s rejecting his family (the real one, the one that  _ matters _ ).

it’s fucked up, he’s ashamed. no amount of tears and suffering and no plea of forgiveness will ever make up for this betrayal, not really. he’s hurting them, and he’s hurting himself, and it sounds pointless. all this pain, and the only ones who win are the most cruel.

sanji has known, since he was very young and alone on a cell, since he was older and out of place in the orbit, since he was a child starving to death and willing to do anything for a bit of moldy bread, that the sea was unforgiving. even the all blue would be (is, somewhere, not that he will ever get to know, now). but this? it’s unfairness for the sake of it, and not his captain, not nami, not chopper and brook and none of the beautiful, amazing people that had called him  _ nakama _ , deserve a single bit of this.

he forces the words out of his throat, feeling the weight of the lies dragging his shoulders down, a bitter aftertaste that might as well be poison, for all that it’s managing to kill tonight.

sanji turns back from them and all of him hurts. the sting of nami’s hand reaches bone-deep, and every muscle in his body tensions with the effort not to tremble, not to fall and knee before them and say sorry. her nails had scratched his skin, and it feels final - it’s a relief at once, that his sacrifice will be fruitful, and the worst wound he ever had in his life. luffy is screaming  _ for him _ , is vowing to stay, is denying his rejection, just like that very first time in the baratie. crying is physically painful, but he can’t hold it in, his captain ( _ ex-captain _ , and not yours, never again) promising what sanji is sure luffy will follow through. he’s not naive enough not to believe this man who razed down island after island, fought enemies and armies and ideas and kept winning, every time, against all odds.

the thought that this is gonna kill luffy, that it will be his blood in sanji’s hands is almost enough for him to reach out, to go back. (his blood in sanji’s hands, that’s the worst of it, his death resting in the same palms that fed him and cared for him and combed through his hair when he had nightmares. if it wasn’t for the pressure of the vinsmokes’ presence all around him, he would have caved in, fuck it all, because what are his hands even worth for if he’s not gonna use them to love?)

sanji’s surrounded by people, and yet he’s as isolated as he was under the iron helmet. as alone as montblanc norland, from the stories back then, and isn’t it funny? how he knows the truth, that while the world believed norland a liar, he died for the honesty of his love? he chose death over rejecting the existence of those people he loved, the ones he spent his entire life trying to come back to, and he stayed in history as a liar. if someone writes this down, somewhere, somehow, sanji knows his treason will be taken as is, and someday he will be fine with it.

but not now. he cries and cries and his sobbing is not enough to drown out the voices in his head, the words he keeps remembering. dying would have been kinder than denying  _ them _ . he tries to remember why it was worth it, tries to convince himself that this is for love, too, even as it hurts. (it doesn’t quite work.)

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me @choppersupportsgirls on tumblr and @feministchopper on twitter if you want to yell with me about sanji


End file.
